I was on a trip to and was off from work for 10 days and on the return I just realized that I AM A NOBODY, irrespective of my presence things will happen. It was a great feeling this time coz I seldom felt like this, being a nobody is in itself a great thing. It relieved me from all apprehesnions that hey how would this happen, how would that work, will things be right if I leave and all that.
This is a great lesson and again emphasizes only one fact, I am the most importnat being only to myself no one would care a damn. But I would do what I believe in as long as I live. It's not the strife of becoming somebody, it's not becoming anybody either it's just that my heart now says "do what u like and what u love to coz u are after all a nobody, so now you got more freedom to do what u wanted to".
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
MY WORKING STYLE
I really pity this internet space for bearing my anger and unhappiness and becoming the shrine for it. Now, this piece is about clarification to myself as to how I work. Atleast here I can be true to myself.
I consider my working style to be simple, I am assigned something to do, so I will try my best to do it. It's not happening I would convey and state a reason as to why it's not happening. Simple ain't it.
Now, there in lies a problem, I am asked to do something and I say, see I don't wanna do it. But I still do it coz I am supposed to do it. Now what if, my saying that I don't want to do it becomes a concern against me. To say, anyone can say anything but if I did not do it and then a concern is raised, that is genuine. But how come, a concern is raised, by my saying that I won't do it. When I am actually doing it.
Ok let me make things clear, mom asked me to get milk early morning, I said "mom, I don't wanna do it", mom says "no one is there", so I just go and get it. Mom is happy ain't it. Now, if she tells dad "hey I told him but he says I don't wanna do, so that makes me uncomfortable" (note, mom did not mention i did), is this a valid concern? Absolutely not. Coz the moment I got milk things are done issue is resolved but if I did not get the milk and mom says "hey he did not get it and i got it". Now this becomes a valid concern.
The difference, first was driven by feeling and second was driven by action. Feelings are from the mindset, if you feel wrong, its because of various things that affect you and its personal. Action is something that is objective and evident and its not driven by mindset or internal feelings once it is performed it is there to see.
So before raising a concern one has to think if they are driven by feelings or by action. Now, currently I have concerns, I hate to say this coz only twice in my professional career I had concerns now is a phase where I have some. See I must not have these, I am not supposed to have these and these is against my true nature. Having said that, I have raised when I felt that action is not being taken upon when really required. I believe that my concerns are truly action oriented and not feeling oriented. I have never ever hated and shall never hate anybody on personal grounds (brad, is pertinent here, may be not but I writing it as a promsie to myself). But the feel good thing about office is missing and making me feel like hell when in office and even after it. I am asking myself as to hey, why the heck am I doing something when there is nothing I get each day, leave aside satisfaction that is really distant now.
The feeling that I want to give to those who work with me is that, hey he isn't a bad guy(I do not think good about myself now) even that would be satisfactory.
When I am teaching something, I wanna ensure that what I am telling is being conveyed properly and things are being understood so that they can do it next time without me. When I am reviewing something, I try to my best of ability that someone is not getting late because of my review, there are no unnecessary review comments. When I am doing something, I wanna see to it that the issue is resolved as soon as possible and the updates sent are right. Yes, there will be misses here and there but if told then and there they can be looked into correctly and it can be a learning which is what I really want.
My motive is simple, I want to learn, teach as much as I can, do things with good quality. Having said that, I want to maintain to myself that I am a nobody where ever I am, I have never ever considered myself as important where ever I am. Coz when I die things won't stop and they would happen as they are supposed to. So it does not make a difference and that's makes me a nobody. But as long as I am alive, I wanna do things in my own way.
When my colleague says, I like working with you coz that helps me learn so many things, I really feel high of myself. It made me look that I am a leader for that moment for that one guy. I ain't a real lead or maybe I don't even have so called leadership qualities but for few hours or hopefully long I would be happy and sleep in peace.
The purpose behind my whole blog is to clarify to myself, dude what do I want? Do I want to spend some damn hours in discussing about how things are to be done or to sit, do and deliver things. I clearly want to sit, deliver, work and leave with nothing but a feeling that, hey I am not a bad guy to work with.
Concern surely is the word I hate most.
I consider my working style to be simple, I am assigned something to do, so I will try my best to do it. It's not happening I would convey and state a reason as to why it's not happening. Simple ain't it.
Now, there in lies a problem, I am asked to do something and I say, see I don't wanna do it. But I still do it coz I am supposed to do it. Now what if, my saying that I don't want to do it becomes a concern against me. To say, anyone can say anything but if I did not do it and then a concern is raised, that is genuine. But how come, a concern is raised, by my saying that I won't do it. When I am actually doing it.
Ok let me make things clear, mom asked me to get milk early morning, I said "mom, I don't wanna do it", mom says "no one is there", so I just go and get it. Mom is happy ain't it. Now, if she tells dad "hey I told him but he says I don't wanna do, so that makes me uncomfortable" (note, mom did not mention i did), is this a valid concern? Absolutely not. Coz the moment I got milk things are done issue is resolved but if I did not get the milk and mom says "hey he did not get it and i got it". Now this becomes a valid concern.
The difference, first was driven by feeling and second was driven by action. Feelings are from the mindset, if you feel wrong, its because of various things that affect you and its personal. Action is something that is objective and evident and its not driven by mindset or internal feelings once it is performed it is there to see.
So before raising a concern one has to think if they are driven by feelings or by action. Now, currently I have concerns, I hate to say this coz only twice in my professional career I had concerns now is a phase where I have some. See I must not have these, I am not supposed to have these and these is against my true nature. Having said that, I have raised when I felt that action is not being taken upon when really required. I believe that my concerns are truly action oriented and not feeling oriented. I have never ever hated and shall never hate anybody on personal grounds (brad, is pertinent here, may be not but I writing it as a promsie to myself). But the feel good thing about office is missing and making me feel like hell when in office and even after it. I am asking myself as to hey, why the heck am I doing something when there is nothing I get each day, leave aside satisfaction that is really distant now.
The feeling that I want to give to those who work with me is that, hey he isn't a bad guy(I do not think good about myself now) even that would be satisfactory.
When I am teaching something, I wanna ensure that what I am telling is being conveyed properly and things are being understood so that they can do it next time without me. When I am reviewing something, I try to my best of ability that someone is not getting late because of my review, there are no unnecessary review comments. When I am doing something, I wanna see to it that the issue is resolved as soon as possible and the updates sent are right. Yes, there will be misses here and there but if told then and there they can be looked into correctly and it can be a learning which is what I really want.
My motive is simple, I want to learn, teach as much as I can, do things with good quality. Having said that, I want to maintain to myself that I am a nobody where ever I am, I have never ever considered myself as important where ever I am. Coz when I die things won't stop and they would happen as they are supposed to. So it does not make a difference and that's makes me a nobody. But as long as I am alive, I wanna do things in my own way.
When my colleague says, I like working with you coz that helps me learn so many things, I really feel high of myself. It made me look that I am a leader for that moment for that one guy. I ain't a real lead or maybe I don't even have so called leadership qualities but for few hours or hopefully long I would be happy and sleep in peace.
The purpose behind my whole blog is to clarify to myself, dude what do I want? Do I want to spend some damn hours in discussing about how things are to be done or to sit, do and deliver things. I clearly want to sit, deliver, work and leave with nothing but a feeling that, hey I am not a bad guy to work with.
Concern surely is the word I hate most.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
WHAT AN AWARD??
Yesterday night, for the first time in my professional career I was awarded with a SPOT award. An award that is presented to those who have done good during a certain period of time (since its monthly, I assume its based on monthly performance). So logically, I had met the requirements to get that award only in the last one month. Also, a friend was saying better late than never, I just did not tell anything but thought, better not to be rewarded than being insulted.
There were other guys who had been awarded and they had a smile. Even I had put up a fake smile. I hated taking it, and wanted to break it right away for it doesn't mean anything to me. An asshole has given it and an asshole has taken it. It was proven again that I am an asshole who succumbs, the rebel inside was yelling at me asking why am I taking it. But, I had to calm my own self saying "dude, keep your cool and do not get fucked up unnecessarily". Well I took it.
I was also congratulated by some whom I never knew before that was fine, but each time I was congratulated I asked myself why the fuck is all this crap and all the dissent. It's because I got such an award at such a time where I thought to be rewarded in a better way. It's an insult for now. But it's a management thing, I made the management realize that I am good now and not earlier. I may do good, but only when the management thinks I am doing good it will give something.
And my management is very pathetic, say a day (i wish not) has come where the project is on the verge of being scrapped and a guy with his own will and mind has saved the project from loosing. Then, he will be taken for granted "man, we knew that this was bound to happen, no big deal" is what the management would utter. But say the project is totally scrapped and taken away, then again a man stands up and he gets it back after an year, now, that man will be hailed as the hero of project and rewarded to a great deal. This is the way it works (if anyone from my team reads it they may deny saying, no no its not this way, its my misinterpretation), and only time can tell whether I am right or not.
A person who never does anything and can't handle a single issue on own, and always delegtates even the things that are meant to be done by him/her can become a lead to many. I do not respect such people but I just have to fake even respect too, it's so fucking sick.
Its unethical to disclose office matters like this, but hey I am not interested either. I am made to be unethical by those assholes who don't have ethics. So I am showing no difference and being identical for the time being.
I can show my dissent and my anger only here and no where else, I am safeguarded by the fact that it is blocked in office but I wish my team mates read it and before blasting me and storming at me just sit for a couple of minutes and think why is such a thing written.
There were other guys who had been awarded and they had a smile. Even I had put up a fake smile. I hated taking it, and wanted to break it right away for it doesn't mean anything to me. An asshole has given it and an asshole has taken it. It was proven again that I am an asshole who succumbs, the rebel inside was yelling at me asking why am I taking it. But, I had to calm my own self saying "dude, keep your cool and do not get fucked up unnecessarily". Well I took it.
I was also congratulated by some whom I never knew before that was fine, but each time I was congratulated I asked myself why the fuck is all this crap and all the dissent. It's because I got such an award at such a time where I thought to be rewarded in a better way. It's an insult for now. But it's a management thing, I made the management realize that I am good now and not earlier. I may do good, but only when the management thinks I am doing good it will give something.
And my management is very pathetic, say a day (i wish not) has come where the project is on the verge of being scrapped and a guy with his own will and mind has saved the project from loosing. Then, he will be taken for granted "man, we knew that this was bound to happen, no big deal" is what the management would utter. But say the project is totally scrapped and taken away, then again a man stands up and he gets it back after an year, now, that man will be hailed as the hero of project and rewarded to a great deal. This is the way it works (if anyone from my team reads it they may deny saying, no no its not this way, its my misinterpretation), and only time can tell whether I am right or not.
A person who never does anything and can't handle a single issue on own, and always delegtates even the things that are meant to be done by him/her can become a lead to many. I do not respect such people but I just have to fake even respect too, it's so fucking sick.
Its unethical to disclose office matters like this, but hey I am not interested either. I am made to be unethical by those assholes who don't have ethics. So I am showing no difference and being identical for the time being.
I can show my dissent and my anger only here and no where else, I am safeguarded by the fact that it is blocked in office but I wish my team mates read it and before blasting me and storming at me just sit for a couple of minutes and think why is such a thing written.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
ABOUT MARRIAGE
For the first time, I am putting my views in public about marriage (knowing that hardly anyone would even read it). This is seriously about heterosexual marriages only
Marriage, the custom of entwining a guy and girl with a thread a ring, a bouquet of flowers or garland, anything but to show to the world that "hey, you see, she is mine and I am hers" or vice verse.
The reasons why guys marry are :
1) To have someone who can satisfy his physical feelings (you can go for a prostitute but, to satisfy male ego, there should someone referring whom, the guy says, this is mine meaning, he can do anything with her)
2) To have someone to take care of, when ill or in old age
3) To get rid of loneliness
4) To have someone cook his food, take care of his things for free (a free slave but she shows that illusion of love here. "Oh dear, here is your coffee, kiss me for this", yeah guys love this crap)
5) To have kids of course and one is required to take care of them
6) To take care of grand children too (if alive of course)
The reasons why girls marry are :
1) To have a certain kind of dependency so that they feel secure (in ancient days it was economic and social but now it's more of emotional, "Dear, I am feeling low, can I have your shoulder to keep my head on, that would make me feel better". Yes, it has to be the same shoulder every time).
2) Coz that would make life easier in society.
3) That would make them walk blissfully into ignorance
4) That will make them satisfy their physical cliches too
Fine, the reasons are acceptable, but the way the marriage happens is so pathetic and so showy.
"Hey see, this is my girl" this is the statement that the Guy when he marries, yes man she is yours for this life but do you need to tell that by this way? I ask this may be there is a way better than this and may be this is the best way for some but I condemn it whole hearted and my reasons are
1) Unnecessary usage of money
2) Things are not bound by threads and rings there has to be more meaning
3) Need not tell the world that comprises of such beings who come eat and walk away and later say "in such and such item so and so was missing". They curse you more than bless you
My reasons are not proper, sophisticated or anything and may be I am wrong for many who shall never even read this, but for me this is the best way I am.
Go and do a court marriage, just a legal document (a necessity for some purposes, this is again a social compulsion but even for a visa, this is required so its a must) and finish it off there. That's the only way I would do and the day I do it otherwise, I am no longer alive.
Marriage, the custom of entwining a guy and girl with a thread a ring, a bouquet of flowers or garland, anything but to show to the world that "hey, you see, she is mine and I am hers" or vice verse.
The reasons why guys marry are :
1) To have someone who can satisfy his physical feelings (you can go for a prostitute but, to satisfy male ego, there should someone referring whom, the guy says, this is mine meaning, he can do anything with her)
2) To have someone to take care of, when ill or in old age
3) To get rid of loneliness
4) To have someone cook his food, take care of his things for free (a free slave but she shows that illusion of love here. "Oh dear, here is your coffee, kiss me for this", yeah guys love this crap)
5) To have kids of course and one is required to take care of them
6) To take care of grand children too (if alive of course)
The reasons why girls marry are :
1) To have a certain kind of dependency so that they feel secure (in ancient days it was economic and social but now it's more of emotional, "Dear, I am feeling low, can I have your shoulder to keep my head on, that would make me feel better". Yes, it has to be the same shoulder every time).
2) Coz that would make life easier in society.
3) That would make them walk blissfully into ignorance
4) That will make them satisfy their physical cliches too
Fine, the reasons are acceptable, but the way the marriage happens is so pathetic and so showy.
"Hey see, this is my girl" this is the statement that the Guy when he marries, yes man she is yours for this life but do you need to tell that by this way? I ask this may be there is a way better than this and may be this is the best way for some but I condemn it whole hearted and my reasons are
1) Unnecessary usage of money
2) Things are not bound by threads and rings there has to be more meaning
3) Need not tell the world that comprises of such beings who come eat and walk away and later say "in such and such item so and so was missing". They curse you more than bless you
My reasons are not proper, sophisticated or anything and may be I am wrong for many who shall never even read this, but for me this is the best way I am.
Go and do a court marriage, just a legal document (a necessity for some purposes, this is again a social compulsion but even for a visa, this is required so its a must) and finish it off there. That's the only way I would do and the day I do it otherwise, I am no longer alive.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
CLOUD ON THE MOVE
When I was young, I was told that when a cloud is moving, it doesn't know where is it destined to but knows that it's on the move.
Yes, it's a non living thing from which an abstraction can be taken but there are many many clouds in the world that wander aimlessly and squander time ruthlessly. And I, what am I doing but writing a blog on those souls. I am on the move , wait I am on what? I am on move, what move? Where I am headed to? Oh, oh its a nowhere to many its a land of doom for some who do not have the gut to write a script of their own lives.
I begged God for a job, he gave me and I am doing it and I am earning a 50K man, I am happy now, it's the best gift. Have you met people like these, and look upto them? Think that man he is rocking. He has got quick promtions, does everything right. Yes they are great but are they greater to you who want to write your own script of life. I dont think so.
The most important being in the world is yourself, it's I for me. I am the king, the minister, the slave for myself aand not to anyone else. To do a job is in a sense submission of yourself to an authority. I hate thaat paart of it and keeps you safe but not moving. So to move, one must one's own spirit that stands for himself and covinces his own conviction. It might take him to that glorious shine or that darkness but neverheless makes him walk. So move, with your damn conviction and thats the only path to tranquility.
Yes, it's a non living thing from which an abstraction can be taken but there are many many clouds in the world that wander aimlessly and squander time ruthlessly. And I, what am I doing but writing a blog on those souls. I am on the move , wait I am on what? I am on move, what move? Where I am headed to? Oh, oh its a nowhere to many its a land of doom for some who do not have the gut to write a script of their own lives.
I begged God for a job, he gave me and I am doing it and I am earning a 50K man, I am happy now, it's the best gift. Have you met people like these, and look upto them? Think that man he is rocking. He has got quick promtions, does everything right. Yes they are great but are they greater to you who want to write your own script of life. I dont think so.
The most important being in the world is yourself, it's I for me. I am the king, the minister, the slave for myself aand not to anyone else. To do a job is in a sense submission of yourself to an authority. I hate thaat paart of it and keeps you safe but not moving. So to move, one must one's own spirit that stands for himself and covinces his own conviction. It might take him to that glorious shine or that darkness but neverheless makes him walk. So move, with your damn conviction and thats the only path to tranquility.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
WHAT TO DO??
I am struck in the reeks and I am searching for a fragrance...a fragrance that will make my soul relieve. Now what I am going through is no body's concern, it shouldn't be any one's concern...my life, my wish. But, I ain't taking life seriously life is not gotta be taken seriously. Have fun, do your thing and keep up the smile. To derive these from one's act or others jokes is each one's own prerogative and each one can choose his means to get that smile. I say a joke on myself, I smile may be a cynical but I am smiling nevertheless.
But what to do when its tough to get a smile when we are stuck with qualms of being deprived of promotion in office, love at home, girls denying proposals etc... some take it as a passing cloud and some can never ever digest that and keep weeping. This frustration might even transpire into agony, envy and other flaws but the fact that there should be a smile each day is what is missed.
I am a lost soul for now and am pushing hard to find my own place and do my own thing. Hardly I found anyone like me. I see men run around the bushes of name, money and fame and I am running around my conviction in a circle knowing that the point where I begin is the point where I'll end.
But what to do when its tough to get a smile when we are stuck with qualms of being deprived of promotion in office, love at home, girls denying proposals etc... some take it as a passing cloud and some can never ever digest that and keep weeping. This frustration might even transpire into agony, envy and other flaws but the fact that there should be a smile each day is what is missed.
I am a lost soul for now and am pushing hard to find my own place and do my own thing. Hardly I found anyone like me. I see men run around the bushes of name, money and fame and I am running around my conviction in a circle knowing that the point where I begin is the point where I'll end.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
AM I ONE OF THEM?
Its very very tough to contain an ambitious man who wants to achieve something...its more tough to contain a man who wants to do things for himself....but if they contain themselves and hold back then just nothing needs to be done...just watch them loose the battle with time
Its a bright morning with clouds here and there, the sun is just peeping out now...and I am thinking of a man...a man who thinks too much of himself..who feels that he is not being given due attention..a man who is shy and is afraid to go out and seek what he really wants...and for him its tough to say no to any god damn thing even if its not right..a man who is afraid of the world as he thinks that he too may die like many in the stampede of spirit...he stops there and even he stops thinking....he just lies on the bed and looks at the things happening outside the window or may be watches T.V. for passing time but still nothing would please him....coz he wants to go out to do things he wanted to...but..but.,..but...this but stops him...this but kills his spirit..this but has no answer how much ever one may seek....but its a very powerful but....or may be an IF it doesn't really matter.
But, it's a but that is holding him back...he thinks he is buying time...he is juts letting things to happen ad in the meanwhile save himself something for the rainy day...but nothing is working...he is just getting a day closer towards death and a mile away from his dream..his passion..his work...and there are many many men like him.who want to do things...but but but...have held back themselves and just got laid in the grave peacefully.........Am I one of them????
Its a bright morning with clouds here and there, the sun is just peeping out now...and I am thinking of a man...a man who thinks too much of himself..who feels that he is not being given due attention..a man who is shy and is afraid to go out and seek what he really wants...and for him its tough to say no to any god damn thing even if its not right..a man who is afraid of the world as he thinks that he too may die like many in the stampede of spirit...he stops there and even he stops thinking....he just lies on the bed and looks at the things happening outside the window or may be watches T.V. for passing time but still nothing would please him....coz he wants to go out to do things he wanted to...but..but.,..but...this but stops him...this but kills his spirit..this but has no answer how much ever one may seek....but its a very powerful but....or may be an IF it doesn't really matter.
But, it's a but that is holding him back...he thinks he is buying time...he is juts letting things to happen ad in the meanwhile save himself something for the rainy day...but nothing is working...he is just getting a day closer towards death and a mile away from his dream..his passion..his work...and there are many many men like him.who want to do things...but but but...have held back themselves and just got laid in the grave peacefully.........Am I one of them????
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