BRADZSPACE

MY PLAN - PURSUE MY PASSION

2010-09-16T06:08:00.000-07:00

Romain Rolland in Jean-Christophe

So many men – they have no opinions except in so far as they disapprove of all the enthusiastic opinion. But if a man is to be independent, he has to stand alone and how many men are there who are capable of that? How many men are there even amongst the clear-sighted who will dare to break free of the bondage of certain prejudices, certain postulates which cramp and fetter all the men of the same generation? That would mean setting up a wall between themselves and others, on one hand freedom in the wilderness, on the other, mankind. They do not hesitate. They choose mankind, the herd. The herd is evil-smelling but it gives warmth. Then those who have chosen pretend to think, do not in fact think. It is not very difficult for them. They know so little what they think! “Know thy-self” How could they, those men, who have hardly a ‘me’ to know. In every collective belief, religious or social very rare are the men who believe, because very rare the men who are men. Faith is a heroic force; its fire has kindled but very few human hearts.

So above paragraph was told in his book and I read it in Musings by Chalam (My favorite telugu writer) and I used this in my script Poornima too.
The point I am trying to make is, few are men who had faith and did what they wanted to. I want to be in the league that believed in themselves and did what they wanted to. All these years, since my birth I have done actually nothing but write and learn photography. I love writing (from shayari to poetry to movie script to lyrics of a song) and then photography. Now, the time has come to pursue this.

My dream is tell to a story that I want to see. To make a movie what I want to see. Let it be what no one is interested in, but I am interested in it and I will make all my effort and give my blood and sweat to make it the way I want to. UN-compromised Cinema is the new term. OK, so here is my plan; quit the organization and software industry, start narrating the script to producers and convince him that my story is worth to be told and made. (damn software industry, I saw more politics than work here, but this is not that is driving me to move out, it's my passion which is the driving force) and start up with the movie making. I have got people who have a fire in them to work in a project that they are interested in and have got people who want to run away from the software industry too to make their own mark in film industry. But, I am one who is running away from what he is doing now to make his only dream come true.

What if things go well, I will be telling stories all my life and I will be happy as I am living my dream. Only very few souls in this world are privileged to do so. There are 90 failure stories and 10 success stories; I am willing to be a part of both than dying without even strife.

What if things fail, I will starve, I will be ripped off by the people around me and I will be looked down as one who should not be respected and I will be cursed, I will taken as an example to be looked down upon and they may term me a loser and the as the worst part my parents may even disown me (nothing worse than this, I see) and eventually I will die in the strife which is also fine.

Things are so easy to write and told but it’s so tough to face them, how will a day be when I am shivering in cold on a foot path or running for water to quench my thirst on a scorching day. I am game for both coz I have never seen any hardships in life my parents were generous and gave all I needed when I needed (the prime most thing being education) and even I did get everything in life without ever struggling for it, I was given this job at a campus interview and maybe that’s why I do not value this much or may be because of my passion but nevertheless quitting this right away (say in a couple of months) is most important for me.

So let’s see where time will take me but I am going to pursue film making, I have got scripts ready, camera ready and the team set up, get a producer and start making films (I am ready to give all my life for it). How prepared I am, I asked this myself time and again and now I am saying to myself YES I AM MORE THAN PREPARED. How many may disagree but I am starting things.

So bye bye Herd, I am going to fetch the freedom in wilderness and hopefully I will find it or may die in the strife. I am game.
All this while, I am accused of just talking and not do
ing any substantial work. Now, the time has come for me to start doing and stop talking, this will be my last blog for some time and hopefully only when I start up my first film, I will write on this blog again.

MUSIC TO ME

2010-07-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

Music is the only thing that saves me and helps me surivie the trauma the turmoil the mundane the exuberance and the embellishments/trappings.

I discovered this in my loneliness, togetherness. And I am happy that I did coz I can resort to it anytime.

What is left is in my life is to sneak out of the job that I am doing, I hope this will end soon.

I have not written anything since a while and I am dying to delve into it, my only crap is this what I am sharing here.

WHAT AN AWARD? - PART 2

2010-03-04T08:53:00.000-08:00

Today, I was awarded for outstanding performance in my team and was given 50$ by client. (Not great money but good enough to cheer me up). This is the second time that such an award was given to anyone specific to my team. I am the second recipient for my team called RTB DMS.

OK what's good about it? Client knows that a guy exists, who has worked hard enough to earn a place as a better performer than most and thus creates visibility. Next, it gave me 50$ to shop which is greater than my monthly hike I got, so I got a hike more than many in one month. (Money is always good you see). Finally it gave me a sense of satisfaction if not more. That I can do things better than many (I knew this, now a few more people would agree).

Now this is a total contradiction to my earlier blog (a frustrated, pissed off blog, where I put my angst only), 50$ and did my opinion change? Nope it did not, I am still expecting my management to understand associates aspirations better and hope that the management recognizes this early than on site or client. But that's fine each one has their constraints and flaws. This award just gave me that cool breeze that I needed since long. (better late than never as my friend said, but I still disagree as it would have made more sense had I been given this earlier). Nevertheless, 50$ by client has cheered me up.

Now more than this, my team mate Abhijeet said that his fuel pipe was stolen and he had to stroll the bike a good 12KM to his home. Man this effort is more than what I did the whole of my career. And it deserves a toast but he was compelled to do it and so he did is my only qualm and I wish that none faces such a thing ever. While I just placed my ass in front a the system and gave something, this guy moved his ass 12KM along with that if his bike. I was working in a comfort zone with a sense of responsibility but he was compelled to be responsible and was taken totally out of his comfort zone. He couldn't comfortablyplace his ass.

But dude, I ain't gonna share mine but I hope you will be rewarded in a better way one fine day for your stupendous effort man.

Now, I wish that who ever works in my team gets such recognition but she must prove his worth. To wish is the easiest way to make someone happy, and gives an escapist route not to do anything, but I objectively would see to it that the help required is given for my team mates so that their knowledge is improved (I don't have great knowledge about everything but whatever I have I will share). And bringing in them an ownership mentality that their work is their own path to progress and nothing else can do that. (This is quiet a task that I did not take up yet, all the while I was thinking if I am doing it or not, now has come the time to bring this sense in others and I pledge to inculcate this, but the team mates need to co operate).

Happy for now, hope to be happier tomorrow and day after and so on.

HAVE A HAPPINESS POINT

2010-02-10T09:02:00.000-08:00

Now, for the first time I will preach(were my other blogs doing something else?). Preach something that I do in spirit(all preachings need not be followed by the preacher either) .

All I am going to say to you guys (hey, whom am I addressing to, there are no readers to this crap I write each time) is just have a happiness point and do strive to reach that each day. What's this happiness point? It's something that you do and derive happiness as a result. I derive happiness in writing (how much crap it may be) so I just keep doing that as many times as possible coz the process of writing gives me happiness.

Similarly, you choose what you like to do and just do it. This may not be a same task, I just don't write all through the day at one point I love taking photographs, at another I love listening to music and so on and so forth. So just have something to do that you love and just have a smile and do. Have a fetish towards something and just go for it.

Remember, just see that you don't loose that smile ever. Coz a smile can light up more than your life (oh, what a thought Aristotle would frown, should he listen).

Anyways, I am done with my crap again and just posted it cause I did not blog much recently and just wanna keep what's going in my dirty dirty mind that has sick and filthy thoughts but churns out and throws these crappy pathetic things knowing many may say it's not even worth a read.

VACATION LESSON - I AM NOBODY

2010-01-20T09:01:00.000-08:00

I was on a trip to and was off from work for 10 days and on the return I just realized that I AM A NOBODY, irrespective of my presence things will happen. It was a great feeling this time coz I seldom felt like this, being a nobody is in itself a great thing. It relieved me from all apprehesnions that hey how would this happen, how would that work, will things be right if I leave and all that.

This is a great lesson and again emphasizes only one fact, I am the most importnat being only to myself no one would care a damn. But I would do what I believe in as long as I live. It's not the strife of becoming somebody, it's not becoming anybody either it's just that my heart now says "do what u like and what u love to coz u are after all a nobody, so now you got more freedom to do what u wanted to".

WHAT AN AWARD??

2009-12-05T04:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday night, for the first time in my professional career I was awarded with a SPOT award. An award that is presented to those who have done good during a certain period of time (since its monthly, I assume its based on monthly performance). So logically, I had met the requirements to get that award only in the last one month. Also, a friend was saying better late than never, I just did not tell anything but thought, better not to be rewarded than being insulted.

There were other guys who had been awarded and they had a smile. Even I had put up a fake smile. I hated taking it, and wanted to break it right away for it doesn't mean anything to me. An asshole has given it and an asshole has taken it. It was proven again that I am an asshole who succumbs, the rebel inside was yelling at me asking why am I taking it. But, I had to calm my own self saying "dude, keep your cool and do not get fucked up unnecessarily". Well I took it.

I was also congratulated by some whom I never knew before that was fine, but each time I was congratulated I asked myself why the fuck is all this crap and all the dissent. It's because I got such an award at such a time where I thought to be rewarded in a better way. It's an insult for now. But it's a management thing, I made the management realize that I am good now and not earlier. I may do good, but only when the management thinks I am doing good it will give something.

And my management is very pathetic, say a day (i wish not) has come where the project is on the verge of being scrapped and a guy with his own will and mind has saved the project from loosing. Then, he will be taken for granted "man, we knew that this was bound to happen, no big deal" is what the management would utter. But say the project is totally scrapped and taken away, then again a man stands up and he gets it back after an year, now, that man will be hailed as the hero of project and rewarded to a great deal. This is the way it works (if anyone from my team reads it they may deny saying, no no its not this way, its my misinterpretation), and only time can tell whether I am right or not.

A person who never does anything and can't handle a single issue on own, and always delegtates even the things that are meant to be done by him/her can become a lead to many. I do not respect such people but I just have to fake even respect too, it's so fucking sick.

Its unethical to disclose office matters like this, but hey I am not interested either. I am made to be unethical by those assholes who don't have ethics. So I am showing no difference and being identical for the time being.

I can show my dissent and my anger only here and no where else, I am safeguarded by the fact that it is blocked in office but I wish my team mates read it and before blasting me and storming at me just sit for a couple of minutes and think why is such a thing written.

ABOUT MARRIAGE

2009-11-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

For the first time, I am putting my views in public about marriage (knowing that hardly anyone would even read it). This is seriously about heterosexual marriages only

Marriage, the custom of entwining a guy and girl with a thread a ring, a bouquet of flowers or garland, anything but to show to the world that "hey, you see, she is mine and I am hers" or vice verse.

The reasons why guys marry are :
1) To have someone who can satisfy his physical feelings (you can go for a prostitute but, to satisfy male ego, there should someone referring whom, the guy says, this is mine meaning, he can do anything with her)
2) To have someone to take care of, when ill or in old age
3) To get rid of loneliness
4) To have someone cook his food, take care of his things for free (a free slave but she shows that illusion of love here. "Oh dear, here is your coffee, kiss me for this", yeah guys love this crap)
5) To have kids of course and one is required to take care of them
6) To take care of grand children too (if alive of course)

The reasons why girls marry are :
1) To have a certain kind of dependency so that they feel secure (in ancient days it was economic and social but now it's more of emotional, "Dear, I am feeling low, can I have your shoulder to keep my head on, that would make me feel better". Yes, it has to be the same shoulder every time).
2) Coz that would make life easier in society.
3) That would make them walk blissfully into ignorance
4) That will make them satisfy their physical cliches too

Fine, the reasons are acceptable, but the way the marriage happens is so pathetic and so showy.
"Hey see, this is my girl" this is the statement that the Guy when he marries, yes man she is yours for this life but do you need to tell that by this way? I ask this may be there is a way better than this and may be this is the best way for some but I condemn it whole hearted and my reasons are

1) Unnecessary usage of money
2) Things are not bound by threads and rings there has to be more meaning
3) Need not tell the world that comprises of such beings who come eat and walk away and later say "in such and such item so and so was missing". They curse you more than bless you

My reasons are not proper, sophisticated or anything and may be I am wrong for many who shall never even read this, but for me this is the best way I am.

Go and do a court marriage, just a legal document (a necessity for some purposes, this is again a social compulsion but even for a visa, this is required so its a must) and finish it off there. That's the only way I would do and the day I do it otherwise, I am no longer alive.

SUNK IN LIVELINESS

2009-11-24T09:53:00.000-08:00

We are born, we learn to walk by falling. And were we reprimanded by mothers for falling when we took our first step? Does she say, "son, don't fall, hold tight and walk firm, don't leave the support unless you learn walking when we some months old", she would have never said that coz she used to enjoy even the fall before we take that tiny first step. But now, we are grown up. I am writing this crap and you are reading it, we know how to walk. That is, we are mature enough but still we falter.

And on my path too there are hurdles at times I want to run away into hiding and then die off. But as long as I am alive I just want to do my own thing. I just want to write my stories and see them unfold, simple that's it ain't it? But to do even that, it needs more than just talent. O, do I have talent? I doubt myself that and even if I do, does it matter?

If anyone doesn't have talent its easy to attain it it by start doing something. Be active, write, sing, drink, eat or even bitch about in cell phone but just be lively (I am preaching again, sorry guys). Its easy to do things actually.

MY ANGST ABOUT PEOPLE

2009-09-11T12:11:00.001-07:00

Seems like the script I wanted to write for my life has been lost coz nothing is working. And thus, all the time I wiled and I dreams i dreamt hoping for good, hoping that it would help me to move towards my pssion have been threatened and they might even be shattered.

Now, what's the plan next is just wait coz the time is isnt on my side for now and neither are people. Time is actually the best author coz that always has the perfect ending.

But people, yeah let me put all my angst here. My personal space which is public. Where I can have my say and showcase it to world. And even by reading this, if anyone want's to fuck me then man he should be the best fucker who can fuck anyone's ass both gay and straight.

People, have a problem with my attitude, a guy who wants his own good for the sake of himself is bad. I want good for myself coz I am good and yes better, I cant do things in the best way but I can do them in way better than those who are doing it. I never ever thought or even think of fucking anyone. Yet, I am bad you see, my attitude is wrong, I am simply publicised as a stupid asshole.

This (I am laughing now) is said by mother fuckers (second handlers who do not have the gut in ass to do a thing totally by themselves) who want good not by doing good but by fucking others ass. People, I am talking of many I saw all through my life.

If I have to get a repo then it should not be on my own thing, but it should be by proving that the other guy is bad. (You ban a Black Friday and give best movie award to Devdas/Koi Mil Gaya/Veer-Zaara/Black.) This is how the real world is, not just the fucking profession where everyone craves for name and yes money.

They might buy the most beautiful bitch (marriage is serious business right, where woman is sold for slavery and prostitution and men buy them coz they want to fuck and satisfy their dick's ego) or the costliest drug they dreamt of (drug = home, car etc...). And with that name which they earn by fucking others ass, they shave their hair on the penis and pussies with that name they earn get may be but they want it coz that makes the hair on those grow again without name those sex organs are of no use. A guy who is good is not sincerely appreciated and if he is being appreciated then the manager says, "Ok, he is Good I know. Which implies you are not that good you asshole"

"Management", mother fucking term used to kill you just by words. No weapons here, no blood shed its the most non violent means of killing. So the rule that the management has set up is, never appreciate anyone sincerely always try to find the bad more than the good in them coz that would really help your fucking thing grow.

OK, now back to those real mother fuckers. What do they do when they get screwed up?? They lick the assholes of the guys whom they fucked but are better. This is to get their thing done, else they cant go to bed to fuck their wives or get fucked up with their husbands or even masturbate in peace.

The world that was meant to be beautiful like an innocent child's dream is never that. Try to learn and fuck others or just get lost and lie in the grave peacefully or just kill them if you are that powerful. Else, you are anyways gonna get fucked.

I am good, yes I am seriously good but not the best yet I am better than many others but still many do not want me as a human being, as a writer, as a colleague coz I am better and that's what they do not want, a better person in the world.

DAMN CRAP

2009-06-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

I am writing this just to put the bullshit going on in my head out...

Well...I am living..sorry surviving....as any ass does...laying my ass on the office seat and in front of the comp and dreaming...dreaming crap....dreaming about stories imaging how would this be how would that be...and then...dozing off to each nights sleep.......

I dream...dream of stories of those which I wanna see...I wanna read and I wanna make or let others know..

A tribal illiterate girl has lost her everything (husband and her child and can never even become a mother) she has nothing but hope left...and then how would it be if she studied and become a teacher?? I kick myself and I wrote some crap

There was a small boy Iqbal Masih...who was made bonded labour after his parents sold him to a those assholes and he worked in a carpet industry..he learnt that it was wrong as he wanted to do many other things too...and then he escaped that and also made 0.3 million kids free of labour...and what did the mafia assholes do it him.......KILL him...isn't it a story to be told?

Then a small state is formed as a result of agitation of so power hungry buggers and they get it in a democratic (powerful) way....and then what's the state of the state...it would become a mess...imagine Kashmir is taken away by separatists (though they have lost the election they fought) and then it is ruined by those idiots...and they just keep fighting to loot it....(this guy Anurag Kashyap my favorite director made it in a great way.) but after getting the small state..then what? What would it be like?...another one that needs to be explored...

I want to tell this....cause I want to know these..cause I want to see these stories unfold myself...and the one quote that drives me is "If you haven't read a book that you wanna read then you write it yourself" and I want to see these things happening.....I damn want to....and it's this dream of seeing them with my own eyes that keeps me god damn surviving and nothing else