Yesterday night, for the first time in my professional career I was awarded with a SPOT award. An award that is presented to those who have done good during a certain period of time (since its monthly, I assume its based on monthly performance). So logically, I had met the requirements to get that award only in the last one month. Also, a friend was saying better late than never, I just did not tell anything but thought, better not to be rewarded than being insulted.
There were other guys who had been awarded and they had a smile. Even I had put up a fake smile. I hated taking it, and wanted to break it right away for it doesn't mean anything to me. An asshole has given it and an asshole has taken it. It was proven again that I am an asshole who succumbs, the rebel inside was yelling at me asking why am I taking it. But, I had to calm my own self saying "dude, keep your cool and do not get fucked up unnecessarily". Well I took it.
I was also congratulated by some whom I never knew before that was fine, but each time I was congratulated I asked myself why the fuck is all this crap and all the dissent. It's because I got such an award at such a time where I thought to be rewarded in a better way. It's an insult for now. But it's a management thing, I made the management realize that I am good now and not earlier. I may do good, but only when the management thinks I am doing good it will give something.
And my management is very pathetic, say a day (i wish not) has come where the project is on the verge of being scrapped and a guy with his own will and mind has saved the project from loosing. Then, he will be taken for granted "man, we knew that this was bound to happen, no big deal" is what the management would utter. But say the project is totally scrapped and taken away, then again a man stands up and he gets it back after an year, now, that man will be hailed as the hero of project and rewarded to a great deal. This is the way it works (if anyone from my team reads it they may deny saying, no no its not this way, its my misinterpretation), and only time can tell whether I am right or not.
A person who never does anything and can't handle a single issue on own, and always delegtates even the things that are meant to be done by him/her can become a lead to many. I do not respect such people but I just have to fake even respect too, it's so fucking sick.
Its unethical to disclose office matters like this, but hey I am not interested either. I am made to be unethical by those assholes who don't have ethics. So I am showing no difference and being identical for the time being.
I can show my dissent and my anger only here and no where else, I am safeguarded by the fact that it is blocked in office but I wish my team mates read it and before blasting me and storming at me just sit for a couple of minutes and think why is such a thing written.